This is the final pair in the lower 5 Fetters. As these fall, so too will the grosser identificatons with the self. Investigating these two will likely reveal a couple of home truths. • That there is no such thing as desire or aversion. • That they are the same. The Gap A good technique to use in investigating desire and aversion is an extension of what you learned earlier, when you learned about direct experience. So, to start with, we realize that we are experiencing an unpleasant feeling. Q: What is a feeling? A: It is a sensation plus a story. We are going to separate the sensations from the mental overlay. This may take a little practice. This would be one technique; • Sit comfortably • close eyes • scan the body for sensations • pick the most prominent sensation • focus on that while being aware of encroaching thoughts. You are not interested in what those thoughts are about. As they approach, just mentally flick them away. – They will comply and float away out of your awareness. When you can focus on the pure sensation, when the only thought is “wow, this is the only thought present.” Then ask yourself if you can find any information inherent to that sensation. Ask yourself “is the information that transforms that sensation into a feeling, is that always and only provided by the mind?” Now, back to a keen awareness of that sensation. Now looking for any inclination to distance that sensation. We are looking for a balance point between the sensation and the urge to end it. Being aware of it, but not responding to it. This can be described as being in the gap. The following video is an excerpt from the 3 continents exploration of the 5th Fetter – Desire & Aversion. Here is a link to the whole session.
Where to investigate Yeah, yeah. Yeah, good one. Yeah. So, so what I was leading to before about you using using your body using the response that your body produces to direct your investigation where to go. And so you get a gut feeling you might be a really gross way to put it about about the rightness or the value of going in a particular direction. And then once you get that idea. and you feel the idea, you’d also use your intuition to generate, how can I put it, a question, not just not just a verbal word question, but that’s will be part of it. But we want to produce a scenario that has just the right amount of juice for you to investigate. And so you might imagine yourself at home and in third grade you would be eight? Oh hell, So imagine yourself at home. During one of those moments when you’re feeling sorry for yourself, where you’re saying, I wish, I wish things were different. I wish I wasn’t here alone kind of scenario. Imagine that. But what you’re looking to do is to tap into the feeling that you had as that eight-year-old sitting there being alone. then play with the possibility that your desire for eating. Now that may be be different to say that it’s saying you’re desire for food. So again, you’ll have to, that’s part of the investigation. You will, you will consider whether or not it was a desire to get food into you or a desire to be eating food. And, and you can even now, the very next time you eat, you can watch whether or not there is an inclination, whether or not you’re thinking about the next bite rather than the one that you’re having now. Right? If it’s, if it’s, if it’s always a next bite focus, then it’s very likely that the, the obsession was with eating rather than having food. Right? it’s the act of eating that kind of gives you that pseudo satisfaction. It’s never actually satisfying. because you got to keep doing it. But yeah.
Useful concepts “the sensation is a tight ball of tension in the abdomen, a contraction caused by fear, fear of death is the obvious one, but also fear of loss of control in my life.” OK, this is an opportunity to drop down to the next level of awareness. The words tight ball, & contraction are concepts. They are useful concepts because they are attempting to convey what was experienced. On the other hand, concepts like “tension”, “abdomen”, “fear”, “death” & “control”, all point to something that doesn’t actually exist. Well, they do exist. They exist in stories. Stories of great complexity. Stories that have moral undertones like “good” and “bad” or “better” or “worse” When these concepts are ascribed entity status it is believed that they eminate instructions. We respond to those.. When we see them as empty concepts, when their fiction is recognized, we respond to that. THIS IS A GET OUT OF JAIL CARD. It is freedom from being (identified as) a captive of an idea. Now this doesn’t mean that these feelings (feeling = sensation + story) won’t happen anymore. They will. They are the result of habitual triggers. The difference between now and before is that now you will recognize the emptiness of those concepts and laugh at the fact that they turned up. Once seen – they are weakened. (if not completely dissolved) Nothing is ever undone. When change happens, it’s done. Further change can happen, but undoing that change can’t happen. It’s always forward. This is why whatever turns up, whatever life offers, anything – it’s all good. If it’s shitty, it’s an opportunity to investigate a habitual trigger. If it’s pleasant, it’s an opportunity to investigate a habitual trigger. Just remember that ALL stories are an invitation down a rabbit hole to avoid experiencing sensations. (a big statement, I know. It will be fine tuned when circumstances invite..)
The following (in white) is with grateful acknowledgement to Pernille Damore
https://www.youtube.com/@TheAwakeningCurriculum
The first question you need to ask yourself before you move into the 4th Fetter is whether the issue you want to look at is placed in the 4th fetter, or if it is connected to any of the first 3 Fetters.
In other words, “Is this truly a Want, or is there anything underlying it?”
You do that by looking into the underlying narrative.
Let’s say you have a cup of coffee every morning.
I would now like for you to look into why you have that cup of coffee.
Do you really want a cup of coffee because you want it, or is it because you always get a cup of coffee in the morning?
Let’s say that by looking closely, you find out that the morning coffee is a part of your morning ritual, so it’s more a habit than a Want.
You now know that this belongs in the first 3 fetters and not specifically in the 4th Fetter.
You now need to go back to the first 3 Fetters to find out what it is about, since a habit can have 2 different roots and starting points.
The ritual of the morning coffee is connected to a thought; due either from classical and/or cultural conditioning.
That means that you were taught that before one goes to work in the morning, one needs a cup coffee.
With the example of the morning coffee it is easy to see the extent of the cultural conditioning.
How many other things in your life have the same deep rooted cultural conditioning?
Do you feel a need for hot chocolate when it is snowing?
Chicken soup or chamomile tea when you are sick?
Pumpkin lattes in the fall?
Doing something special on your birthday, for New Years or Christmas/Yum Kippur?
Watching TV in the evening with a glass of wine or a cold beer?
And if you are in the US, being with someone on Valentines day?
All those are cultural or classical conditionings, and need addressing and looking further into with the exercises from the first 3 Fetters.
The other root or starting point, is what we talked about in the 2nd Fetter, namely when you find out that what you think you want is promising something better than what you have now.
That want is usually a diversion from something else.
Let’s use the example of the morning coffee again.
If you use the morning coffee as a diversion from something, it might be about you really not liking your job and being reluctant to go.
You rather want to go back to bed, but since you have responsibilities, you are enduring the work you hate.
It might also be that the cup of coffee is the one good thing you can do for yourself before you give away your entire day to a company and a cause you really do not care about.
Do you see how this is also connected to the glass of wine at the end of the day that now functions as a reward for your enduring 8 hours of misery?
The question in the 2nd Fetter is obviously; why do you endure it?
What is the underlying starting point for you?
You can chose between fear, anger, guilt or shame.
Pick one.
And pick the one you have seen come up multiple times during your process.
Chances are that it’s the same one since what we do in one area, we tend to do in all other areas.
Now if you are at the point where you think that it’s not about any of these things, it is for sure about a “Want”.
If you Want a cup of coffee in the morning simply because you Want a cup of coffee in the morning, then there are multiple things you can do.
Imagine you swap the caffeinated coffee with a decaf coffee. (Or your normal decaf coffee for a cup of tea, or warm water.)
Is that ok with you?
If not, then look into what that is about, and go deeper with the first 3 fetters if needed.
If you think that a decaf coffee won’t do because you need the caffeine, then just swap the morning coffee with a Redbull.
Is that ok with you?
And again, If not, look into what that is about, and go deeper with the first 3 fetters if needed.
By now, just by reading this, the entire ordeal might have been completely deflated for you. If so, then the urge for a cup of morning coffee most likely was a 4th Fetter experience.
The Want for a morning coffee is sorted, and you can have a glass of water instead because you are thirsty and the body needs to hydrate.
If that is the case, then look out for the next Want that the Ego is promising you will improve your life, and really look into the assumption with that.
If you are sure that this is clear of all trauma, and you are ready to move on with the 4th Fetter, then you can look at Wants from 3 different levels.
Look into what you really want, and feel into how there is a belief that tells you that life can be better “when”.
What is it you want to improve?
How would you feel?
What is present now, that won’t be there when you get what you want?
What is the underlying motivation about?
What would you no longer need to endure?
If this is as good as it gets, and nothing will ever change, what feelings come up?
What is it that is so bad that it HAS to change?
Breathe!
Where are you right now?
How does the body feel?
Do you notice a contraction in the body that disappears when you fantasise about the Wants?
So where is the connection with the body and the Wants?
What is here that won’t be here when you get what you want?
Do you notice the distance you are creating with the Wants?
Wants are only a thought with a promise. That promise is a clue to you about your underlying beliefs and diversions.
What are you trying to avoid?
What part(s) of you is now being dismissed again?
Can you hold space for that part(s)?
Acknowledge its presence and just stay with it?
Not change it?
Can you be in a body that is full of fear, anger, guilt, or shame underneath?
Can you stay with it?
It might help by thinking “I am this too”, and create unconditional acceptance for the Want that was being used as a diversion, and when you are ready, you can even love it!
Remember that if it wasn’t here, you would not become aware of the part that has been dismissed.
Pull your awareness up to 5th floor, and look at the Want without any judgement or assumptions, but just contentment and kindness.
Stay here as long as is needed.
Now get ready to move into the non-dual.
Look into what you really want, and feel into how there is a belief that tells you that life can be better “when”.
It needs to be enough for you to feel the pull towards it, but not not enough for you to believe it to be true and get a reaction.
You might need to back up a bit from where you just were.
Pull yourself up to 5th floor and (1st fetter) look into where you are looking from?
First off : Where does the attachment to that thought begin?
Who is telling you that you will improve?
Do you see the duality in the one telling you that you need to improve as if there is someone talking to a “you”?
Where is that “you” who will improve, and who is telling you?
Is there a difference between the thinker and the thought?
Is there any connection between the Wants and the thoughts?
Is the Wants anything else but a thought?
How does the body feel?
Were you “away” from the body when you thought about the Want?
Did you look into the advantage of being away from the body?
If you didn’t notice, then go back and stay with this for a while, and look out for any bypassing!
If the thought of Wants is exciting, where is the “I” that is making that promise?
The Wants might have dissolved now, but you can continue and use this opportunity to awaken, so let’s do that.
See if you can recall one of the assumptions of the Wants you had.
Do you notice how the thought and assumption derails you from the now, and drops you into an imaginary future?
Hold the feeling of the assumption while you now look into how the body feels.
Is there any connection with the body, and what you Want?
Look into that assumption.
Can you separate the assumption and the sensations in the body?
Sit and play with the push/pull that this thought seemingly creates in the body.
Observe that the two are in no way connected, and that the bodily sensation is not as static of an experience as the assumption wants you to believe (ie. “The migraine is always the same.”)
In reality the two are not connected in any way, and when you disconnect, you allow the body to freely move sensations around.
Notice there is no one moving, only movements happening, not even an observer/experiencer, but only observations/experiences.
Any sensory experience is creating that movement and those experiences – so see, taste, smell, hear, feel.
Sights, smells and sounds will suddenly become beautiful, and you can start to cry at the beauty of it.
So crying might happen from this space, but just be in the world, and when it moves with this level of connectedness and detachment, notice what assumptions come up.
Look at all of them, and see if there is any connection to them, or an actual reality.
Lastly, to look into Wants, it is also a good practice to notice where the delusions lie; remember that there is nothing wrong with Wants!
It is all about noticing the attachment and the identification of a thought that promises a future, replete with a reward or an improvement, that can not actually take place right here, right now.
Enjoy
The 5th Fetter pairs with the 4th Fetter, and it is virtually impossible to experience one without the other.
However, we do find it important to become aware of the different types of identification that the two fetters activate, respectively.
The 4th fetter is about the energy of craving and “wants,” whereas the 5th fetter is about the energy of aversion and “don’t wants”.
So the 5th Fetter is about the resistance you feel when things don’t go your way.
It is about the anger, aversion, ill-will, annoyance, irritation, resentment, envy and disappointment you feel towards yourself, and everyone else, when things do not happen as you expected them to, or when people do not act as you wanted them to.
When we describe the 5th fetter like that it can almost seem impossible to see through.
However, since any identification can never be about something external and outside of you, the 5th fetter at first glance might seem to be about “them.” But make no mistake, that is just a diversion!
It is all about you!
If you have gone through the previous fetters you have experienced how the topic slowly came more and more close.
The identification became deeper and deeper.
The underlying belief was revealed to be more and more settled as a “truth”.
As an underlying belief.
The 5th Fetter is the last of the lower 5 Fetters, so it has the quality of a sum-up Fetter that makes it very close, and therefore equally difficult to work with.
It really feels like it is not something in you, and that is what makes it such a clever diversion.
Seemingly it appears that the 5th fetter is about everything “they” did wrong to you, and the 4th Fetter is about what you think they should have done instead!
Our resistance feels like it is connected to a longing for things to be one way, and then reality turns out to be in another way, and we get really angry, irritated, frustrated and resentful about that.
But that frustration, anger and annoyance that we project onto the people we are involved with is only a diversion from the real issue!
That is why the 5th fetter is so difficult to work with.
It really feels like “they” should have done differently.
It really feels like that is the issue.
But it is not!
The real issue is that we have an underlying sensation in the body that is perceived to make us vulnerable if we feel into it.
So we identify the sensation as “icky”, and that is now what we are trying to get away from.
You will soon experience that the sensation is not icky and you are not at all vulnerable by experiencing it.
It is more the “muscle memory” of that particular body sensation that reminds us of a very early time when that sensation was present in a situation where we perceived ourselves to be vulnerable.
And as a result we project onto others every time we feel we are getting close to the “dangerous” part.
So we have a perfect distraction and completely avoid feeling into that underlying belief that we are diverting from. But obviously we have a very clear indication to what the diversion is about, what the sensation is about, and what the memory is about.
Let’s take an example:
Let’s say you’ve been looking forward to coming home in peace, kicking your feet up and just relaxing after a long day. But when you get home, your partner has invited some guests over. So you can in no way just relax and be yourself.
Or let’s say you have made an appointment to meet a friend to go to a bar. Your friend has the habit of being late, and today is no exception. So here you are sitting and waiting, wasting your time.
It could also be that you don’t feel that your partner shows you love the way you need it.
You know your partner loves you, but it feels like you always have to ask your partner to show you love the way you need it, and it does not quite feel the same if you have to ask for it, compared to if they had just done it spontaneously themselves.
It feels like if you constantly have to ask them for it, then when love is not voluntarily given, it does not feel like it is real.
All 3 examples are showing in very different ways how we project an underlying belief into a situation and create a story that fits the belief.
The projection is the indication to what the underlying issue in us is about.
The situation is not loaded in any way.
The situation is just as it is.
Your perception of the situation is the one bringing all the drama to the table.
On its own the situation is not loaded at all.
It is simply you having expectations that are not fulfilled and life just being life.
What the the 4th and 5th Fetter have in common is that we have certain expectations that we demand to be fulfilled and when they are not, we assume something in life to be wrong.
But what we have created with our expectation is fantasy and reality is most often very different than fantasy.
That is why we often feel that we live a life bouncing between what we want and what we have resistance towards.
We would like to bring your attention back to the underlying reason to why you create fantasy in the first place.
When we have an underlying belief that is based in a Toxic Starting point, we try to cover up or ensure that we won’t feel it and that others won’t discover it.
That is why the FetterWork can get so painful, until the moment we no longer hold in the underlying belief, and instead come from a space of openness to whatever is.
It takes a lot of identification to maintain and hold onto the belief, but since it is all mind-made it is also very nebulous and easily seen through.
But as we said it is tricky and often hiding in plain sight.
So it is important to emphasise that it is best not to work with the 4th and 5th Fetter alone.
The mind is cleverly avoiding looking at the fabrication, and what is hidden for you is often obvious for others.
So find a group or a guide who can listen and help you feel into your direct experience of what actually is.
The insights can only come when you keep yourself free from reactions.
As soon as you react you are at the other side of the Gap where your nervous system reacts and your hormones are released.
You need to stay on the non-reactive side of the Gap.
Pull yourself up on the 5th floor, where you can maintain an overview and be with all the feelings and emotions that come up, in the body.
And this is where it is useful to have people around you that can help you to unconditionally accept that things are the way they are and look at what is without any reaction.
You need someone who doesn’t jump on the bandwagon when your Ego sits and talks about how totally inconsiderate your partner was by inviting guests to visit without asking you first. Or how annoying your friend, who is always late, is and that “enough is enough” Or how inattentive your partner is towards your basic needs, and now it’s time to put your foot down!
You really need someone to call your bluff and very lovingly and compassionately guide you to the insights that are waiting for you.
Whatever you believe someone is doing against you is only a projection of what you are doing against yourself in some way or another. So breathe and make contact with your body.
First off : Where does the attachment to the thought that something is not as it is supposed to be begin?
Who is telling you that something is wrong?
Who is judging what would be right?
And is what you deem wrong or right universal or just your opinion?
Sometimes when you look directly at duality it becomes very clear that identification is happening, and it sometimes makes it very easy to look through, since who is identifying?
Are you all of a sudden finding a difference between the thinker and the thought?
Is there any difference in what you don’t want and a thought?
Can the Don’t Wants ever be anything but a thought?
So make contact with your body; how does the body feel right now?
Were you “away” from the body when you thought about the Don’t Want?
Did you look into the advantage of being away from the body in that moment?
If you didn’t notice, then go back and stay with this for a while and look out for any bypassing!
If the thought of the Don’t Wants is provoking, then just dial it back a bit so you don’t jump the Gap.
Stay on the side where you can look at what is happening without any bodily reaction.
What you think is about the other person is about you, so define what is wrong and turn it around until you find the sentence that reveals what it is all about.
So in the first example you can say; “My partner does not think about my needs!”
Now turn it around and say “I do not think of my partner’s needs” and see how does that fit?
Your partner clearly wanted company so you are the one who brings the drama to the table and do not think of how that potentially influences your partner.
Feel into it; is that the issue?
Now turn it further around to a “I do not think about my needs” and see how does that fit?
Are you burning your candle at both ends at your job?
Do you say yes to more than you actually want to?
Do you do things at work you do not want to?
Why is that?
What is the underlying reason for that?
Fear, anger, guilt, shame?
Look into which of the emotional indicators are the driving force and sit with the feeling.
Or let’s look at the example regarding your friend who is always late.
Start with the sentence that is happening in the moment: “My friend is disrespectful of my time.” Now turn it around and say: “I am disrespectful of my friend’s time,” and see how does that fit?
Do you see that you want to dictate how your friend spends their time before meeting with you to ensure they do not waste your time.
Do you see how disrespectful that is?
Just like you want freedom to do with your time as you wish, well, so does your friend.
Now turn it further around to: “I am disrespectful of my time,” and ask yourself; are you?
Are you disrespectful towards yourself in general in your life?
Why is that?
What is the underlying reason for that?
Fear, anger, guilt, shame?
Look into which of the emotional indicators are the driving force and sit with the feeling.
And in the last example of your partner not showing you love the way you want them to, you can make the sentence: “My partner is not loving me the way that I need.” Now turn it around to: “I am not loving my partner the way that they need.”
Suddenly that becomes very clear!
You create a relationship where they are not allowed to be themselves but have to mind-read to please you just the right way. Now how are you loving them the way they need?
So now turn it further around and say: “I am not loving me the way that I need.” Feel into if that fits better.
Do you love yourself the way that you need, or could you be more connected to yourself with different displays of compassion, love and kindness?
As you see, the Bubble of Reality is still coated with mirrors. And everything you want on the outside is only ever a reflection of what is needed on the inside.
And that is the beauty of it.
It makes everything so uncomplicated and easy when you no longer identify and just see it as it is.
We have made a lot of inquires for you to use where you follow the sting of attachments into the need, meet the need, detach the label and just stay with the bodily sensation.
When you do that you will feel how it suddenly starts to shift from an icky sensation to being a moving insightful experience.
Enjoy